It's Me Again...Finally

Well...it's been over a month since I have posted anything. In all honesty, I have been overwhelmed dealing with getting my medications straight. I haven't written, because I just haven't felt like myself. Then last Friday I was home visiting Mom after her first round of chemo, and I got into a car accident while going to pick up the pizza for dinner. Now yesterday I find out that the woman is filing a personal injury claim. Geez. Okay, so rewind. Back to my medicines. I revealed early at the start of my blog that I take antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. All was well until I got back from Spain in late March. At that time I started having all of these unbearable side effects from the meds that I was on. Long story not so short, after a psychiatrist change and breaking out in hives all over my body as an allergic reaction to the second most recent med that we were trying, I am back on a medication that worked for me well a long time ago. I am praying that it works out this time, because I am exhausted from not having it right and not feeling like myself.

Mom is responding extremely well to the chemo and after shots (which can evidently make you even more sick than the chemo)! She had her second treatment and after shot this week. Her hair only started to fall out yesterday. She gets it all cut off tomorrow. I can't imagine what that would be like emotionally, but she seems to be handling it all like a champ. I always knew my Mom was amazing, but after all of this I see just HOW INCREDIBLE she really is!!!! I love her soooooo much!!!!!!

The wreck. Ugh. Thankfully I was by myself, and I was just fine. Now we just have to deal with squeezing two car seats in a small rental and the whole personal injury claim thing.

The house is still on the market. We had a second showing this week, but no response, so guessing that is a no. In the meantime, we have started looking at new builds. The last plan I heard from Chris was to keep it on the market another month or two then take it off for the winter before starting again in the spring. We put it on early in case it took a long time to sell.

The next up project is that I have to get two tooth implants as a result of bad dental work. Long story. I did find out this week that the $5,000 does NOT include the crowns. Wonder how much more that one will cost?!

In the meantime Collins turned 1! It was bittersweet at her party because my family wasn't able to be here, but we celebrated with the Buckleys and our closest friends Trav, Wren, and the kids. Collins loved all the decorations and her cake. She was so cute!! She couldn't stop saying "Ooooooohhhhhh!" Here are a few pics from her small party. I felt so guilty for not going all out, but with Mom having cancer nothing else has seemed important lately. It turned out cute anyway, and as I said, Collins had a ball!!

The Coast Is CLEAR

So this is the first time I have felt like blogging in weeks!! Today we received the absolutely wonderful news that my Mom's cancer has NOT spread!!!!!!! The pet scan was clear!!!!! Tears of joy streamed down my face when Ash gave me the miraculous news!!!!! I feel like I can breathe again after what feels like forever but has really only been a couple of months. I am so thankful to God that I could shout it from the rooftops!!!!!!!!!! Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!!!!!! I have recently found my strength in Him with the help of the book Jesus Calling. It is a wonderful little devotional book that my Mom ironically left at my house awhile back, and every time she was here I would forget to give it to her. After all of this started happening, I opened the book to that day's date and read it aloud. I instantly felt connected to it. I knew it was no mistake or accident that the book had been here all of this time. God works His magic in so many wonderful (and sometimes small) ways. The other way I have "survived" this ordeal is through constant contact with my sister. She is amazing beyond words. I cannot conclude this post without a 'shout out' to all of my many friends who have given of their time, energy, and prayers to keep in constant contact with me to make sure I knew I had a support system here waiting to catch me if I fell!!! The only word I can use to describe my life today is far beyond blessed!!!!! Thank you to all of you (you know who you are) for being there!! I love you all dearly and will never forget the feelings of warm support and unselfish love that you have given me through this journey thus far!!!!! 

We are all headed to the beach house this weekend for some much needed R&R. My Mom is even going to be able to go!!! I can't wait to make memories to last a long lifetime ahead!!! 

Nattie B

Tomorrow's the Big Day

Well, it's almost here. Mom's surgery is tomorrow, and I'm starting to get nervous. I'm still here in Nashville. I don't get to go for the surgery. :( It will be hard, but I know my sister will keep me constantly updated. I was going to pack up the girls and head down today. My Aunt Sissy was going to stay at my Mom and Dad's and watch the girls while I was at the hospital, but when I talked to Chris about it, he was afraid being at Mah Mau's without Mah Mau or any of the normals would scare HA. I agreed. So, new plan! I'm going to go down this weekend by myself and leave the girls here with Juju and their Daddy. I'm bummed and it feels very strange to think of not being there during the actual surgery, but that's just life with kids. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want for what's best for them. Okay not sometimes, most times. The surgery starts at 7:30 am. I'm just asking for your prayers for all to go well, no unexpected negative findings, no spreading and a speedy recovery! Thanks so much!!!

Still Here Y'all

Well, I haven't really been blogging lately. Haven't been feeling like myself and blogging has seemed to fall on the list of things I'm just not up to doing. That should show you I'm not me. Ha! Me not blabbing? Yeah, that's uncharacteristic of myself. Still waiting on some of my medicine to get in my system. It evidently takes two weeks, so I won't know if it is even working for a few more days. Things going on in the meantime? Well, my Mom came up for what was her last visit before her surgery. She played with the girls and enjoyed holding Collins since she knows it will be awhile before she can hold her after the surgery. I know that was a little hard for her. She was in good spirits although she admitted to being down recently. Who wouldn't be?! That was my response. We are all just nervous of the unknown. I think that's a universal thing. So no exception with the upcoming surgery and recovery process. And before Mom came, I also got to spend time with my friend Tammy and her kids and catch up with her last Friday night. Then on Saturday I hung out with the long lost bestie Bashty. We used to hang out every Saturday before she moved to Dallas. They luckily moved back in Octoberish of last year, but our Saturdays had not gotten completely back on track. I missed her so much, and despite my mood, we had a great day together. She has invited me over and is making me brunch tomorrow. (She's an amazing cook!!) I'm excited!! Another great thing going on starting today is one of my best friends (and college roommate), Amanda is in town with her family for the week. They live right outside of Atlanta, so we rarely get to see each other, but we keep in touch often regardless. This will be her first time meeting Collins!! One last thing...getting together with the church small group for BBQ Saturday night. So, luckily I have a lot to keep me busy with Mom's surgery fast approaching. Just ready for the surgery to be over and the recovery to begin!!

Home Sweet Home

We have been back home at my parents since Wednesday night. Today is my nephew's 11th birthday party. We were originally scheduled to come for this and it would have been after Mom's surgery but then things changed. We do now have a new surgery date: June 19. About another 3 week wait, but at least it is scheduled. I've been starting to have a hard time with all of it. My meds seem to be way off, and I'm just not myself. I can't seem to function like normal which is a major problem when you are married and have two little ones who depend on you!!! I've been on the phone working with my dr to try and figure out how to straighten my meds out and get back to normal. Any prayers you have are always appreciated. I'm doing all in my power, and I know we will get it all figured out but the sooner the better in my opinion. Lol I love being home and spending time with my Mom and Dad and Ash and her family. Since she's a SAHM we get to do that. The kids play, we referee and chit chat. Lots of laughing and talking. Tomorrow we head back home and Monday I have an appt with my doctor to fix my meds. I've got to get on planning Collins Mackenzie's first birthday. You know I haven't felt like myself when I haven't already planned out every detail of it. It just has seemed so unimportant in light of things with my Mom. I did decide on the mermaid/ocean theme so lots of shades of blue and turquoise. I went all out for HA's first, so Ash says I can't have Collins look back and see those pics and then look at hers and see anything less. So, if you have some ideas, send them my way!! I like to do fabulous but on a budget!! 

Bored Stiff

This holiday weekend Chris and I (and the girls) were bored stiff at home most of the weekend. Not necessarily a bad thing at times, but overall bored nonetheless. We were home by ourselves. Friday night Chris and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary by going to one of our favorite restaurants, Bound'ry. It's close to downtown and o so yummy. They don't have a huge menu, and everything always tastes fresh. I had the filet with potatoes. Steak and taters fancy style. It was amazing. Chris had the wood-fired BBQ chicken n pineapple pizza. It was a little on the spicy side. My two French martinis were a little strong, so we opted to do a Redbox as opposed to going to the movies. Saturday I got my hair done then came to the house where we didn't leave until church time the next am. Sunday after church we were home all day again and Monday finally someone was available for a get together!! We met Trav and Wren and the kids in downtown Franklin and ate at the new crepe place. It was delicious! After Molly had a fall, our park plans were cancelled and back to the house we headed. Needless to say, I am so sick of being at the house!! And I missed Chris not being here, too. I am so excited that Mom will be here tomorrow to get us and take us back to her house for the rest of the week and weekend!! Can't wait to see everyone and celebrate Nick Nick's birthday!! Pool time baby!! Guess this means Mom gets one more weekend with us prior to having surgery. We are assuming that we won't even hear back from the nurse on a date today since she was off Friday and Monday. Waiting is the worst! 

The Cocoon

My world has recently been turned upside down with the news of my Mom's breast cancer. The appointments, the doctors, the waiting to hear back, all of it is sending me into some type of cocoon. I'm normally extremely vocal about my feelings, good or bad (or ugly), and this time I think my world has been rocked just a little too hard too fast. I'm even having trouble writing this post. And that alone (the not being open and outward with my feelings) just downright scares me. I feel extremely emotionally overwhelmed yet emotionally void at times as well. As you know, my Mom was due to finally have her double mastectomy tomorrow (Wednesday). On Friday she was informed that in order for her general practitioner to sign off on the surgery, she had to do a stress test on Monday (which was yesterday). She did the IV kind, and she said she felt fine. Late afternoon after several calls to the doctors, we found out that the surgery is off, because she may have a heart blockage. Let's just add something else to the list why don't we?! She now goes in on Friday for a heart catherization. The new treatment plan for the cancer and possible heart issue will be determined at that time. Or that is my understanding. As Seth and Amy say on SNL, "I mean REAAALLLLYY?!?!?!" My brain, my head, and my heart all ache. I feel like I am living in someone else's life. I'm attempting to deal with my emotions and not go into the cocoon, because I have a family of my own, two small baby girls that need me. But this is so hard. I don't know how to feel sometimes. I feel numb. I feel sad. I feel angry. And I feel exhausted. All of it and more. Simultaneously. I don't want it to get to the point where I mentally "break," so I am doing all that I can to keep that from happening. Not only do my girls and my husband not need that, my Mom, sister and Dad don't need to have to deal with that either. Unfortunately, the cocoon is so comforting at times. I just pretend all is normal and that none of this ever happened. It's like living in a lalaland that I don't want to come leave. Then something always happens or we get new frustrating news that reels the real world back in. I don't know how to talk to God about it. I basically just beg and plead with him for all to be well again. I don't know how to talk to Chris about it. I don't know how to talk to my best friends about it. I have always been very close with my Mom, Dad, and sister Ash, but recently they are my lifeline. We all talk everyday all the time. It's like we all know that we are the ones who "get it" or get what this whole crazy thing feels like. It's terrifying. That's the only one word way I can describe it. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and friends who are constantly checking up on my Mom and on me. In fact, today my Mom was having another down day and received a beautiful flower arrangement from Wren (a BFF). That's how amazing they are. I know that we can make it through this, but I just don't want to even have to watch my Mom go through it. It's all just heart wrenching to me. When I started this post, I had no idea what I was going to write about. Guess this was what was on my heart. If you are praying for my Mom, I was to thank you so very much. Prayer is so very powerful, and we will take all the prayers that we can get! Now we wait for Friday and whatever news it holds.