Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Cocoon

My world has recently been turned upside down with the news of my Mom's breast cancer. The appointments, the doctors, the waiting to hear back, all of it is sending me into some type of cocoon. I'm normally extremely vocal about my feelings, good or bad (or ugly), and this time I think my world has been rocked just a little too hard too fast. I'm even having trouble writing this post. And that alone (the not being open and outward with my feelings) just downright scares me. I feel extremely emotionally overwhelmed yet emotionally void at times as well. As you know, my Mom was due to finally have her double mastectomy tomorrow (Wednesday). On Friday she was informed that in order for her general practitioner to sign off on the surgery, she had to do a stress test on Monday (which was yesterday). She did the IV kind, and she said she felt fine. Late afternoon after several calls to the doctors, we found out that the surgery is off, because she may have a heart blockage. Let's just add something else to the list why don't we?! She now goes in on Friday for a heart catherization. The new treatment plan for the cancer and possible heart issue will be determined at that time. Or that is my understanding. As Seth and Amy say on SNL, "I mean REAAALLLLYY?!?!?!" My brain, my head, and my heart all ache. I feel like I am living in someone else's life. I'm attempting to deal with my emotions and not go into the cocoon, because I have a family of my own, two small baby girls that need me. But this is so hard. I don't know how to feel sometimes. I feel numb. I feel sad. I feel angry. And I feel exhausted. All of it and more. Simultaneously. I don't want it to get to the point where I mentally "break," so I am doing all that I can to keep that from happening. Not only do my girls and my husband not need that, my Mom, sister and Dad don't need to have to deal with that either. Unfortunately, the cocoon is so comforting at times. I just pretend all is normal and that none of this ever happened. It's like living in a lalaland that I don't want to come leave. Then something always happens or we get new frustrating news that reels the real world back in. I don't know how to talk to God about it. I basically just beg and plead with him for all to be well again. I don't know how to talk to Chris about it. I don't know how to talk to my best friends about it. I have always been very close with my Mom, Dad, and sister Ash, but recently they are my lifeline. We all talk everyday all the time. It's like we all know that we are the ones who "get it" or get what this whole crazy thing feels like. It's terrifying. That's the only one word way I can describe it. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and friends who are constantly checking up on my Mom and on me. In fact, today my Mom was having another down day and received a beautiful flower arrangement from Wren (a BFF). That's how amazing they are. I know that we can make it through this, but I just don't want to even have to watch my Mom go through it. It's all just heart wrenching to me. When I started this post, I had no idea what I was going to write about. Guess this was what was on my heart. If you are praying for my Mom, I was to thank you so very much. Prayer is so very powerful, and we will take all the prayers that we can get! Now we wait for Friday and whatever news it holds.

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