Time for some Hail Marys...and I'm not even Catholic.
It's White Collar time, and unfortunately it isn't the one [tv show] with the sexy Matt Bomer. I've decided to deem all Monday posts as Confessionals. Hence why you would need your priestly white collar. Be aware, I have been known to
offend surprise a few with my words. If you know me well, some of these may not be any surprise to you, but you never know. Here goes.
Some people are probably going to think I am either a terrible mother or person or both for what you are about to read. I don't think I am. I am just being honest. If I am the only Mom who has ever had these thoughts, then so be it. If not, you can now know you are no longer alone nor should you feel guilty for them.
I don't think every photo of my kids is cute. Let's face it, kids are like adults in that they have days they look cuter than others. Don't get me wrong, of course I think my girls are adorable inside and out, but that doesn't mean I think they look as cute as ever in everything they wear or every face that they make.
And now the kicker.
Sometimes I wish I was "free." My girls are everything to me! Being a Mom is the most important thing I will ever do, and I am so very grateful that God has blessed us with Harper and Collins. I do not deserve the happiness that they bring into our lives. So please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that I wish I had never had kids. I only mean that there are days when I long for the freedom to go and do whatever whenever. There are times I selfishly think back on things we did before kids and think how much fun it would be to go back. Our little brother, Kevin is just a few years younger than me. He is newly married, and they don't have any kids yet. I hear them talk about going to concerts in the middle of the week (to bands Chris and I like, too), nights out with groups of friends with no time to be home, or unplanned weekend getaways. Things we would be doing if we didn't have kids. I think about how that would be if it was still our life, too. So recently, Chris and I partied out with them and their friends for my sister-in-law's birthday. It was a lot of fun, and we both just love them. I had a
lot of little too much to drink, said gosh who knows what that I shouldn't have and probably at times embarrassed them both. Sorry guys! I woke up the next morning with a hangover headache and a few realizations. Yes, I had had a lot of fun, but all I could think was how boring it would get to do that every weekend again. I thought of how much meaning our kids give us. A reason to do better and be better versions of ourselves. I am in no way saying that if you don't have kids that your life isn't important or doesn't have meaning! I am only saying that I have them out of my system enough to enjoy them once in a while but know that that isn't what I find to be the best version of "fun" anymore. Being with Chris, Harper, & Collins is.
To all of you who now think badly of me, well then you probably shouldn't judge. Especially if you don't yet have children. My new motto about myself (and this is DRASTICALLY different than it has even been before) is 'Take It or Leave It.' And as far as thinking my thoughts are wrong or that you would never feel that way. Well, as they say, Never Say Never.
In case you are not familar with the sexy Matt Bomer, you ya go. And you're welcome.