Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Rendered Speechless?

Okay, so I wouldn't say I was speechless, but I just feel like I have a lot of emotions whirling around right now. Pretty much everything about my mom and that whole situation. I want to be able to blog about it to help get my feelings out, but for some reason I can't and I can't even explain why. I don't even understand why myself. So many thoughts, feelings, and emotions racing in my head and in my heart at all times of every single day lately. I've never had a problem getting my feelings out before or knowing how to express them in words. Before now. I don't know if it's because the gravity of the situation or the possible gravity of the situation is just so much higher this time or what. I've been really anxious about the 3 hour biopsy. Anxious for her. She didn't seem anxious about it in the least. She's just ridiculously amazing!! They (my Mom and Dad) were here Sunday through yesterday after lunch. They came to visit and see HA's swim lesson. We had so much fun while we were here even though I went on an emotional roller coaster ride. I needed a chill pill. Literally. My mind just kept going to too many 'what if' scenarios (that weren't good) that I was overwhelmed. I would just start crying. My Mom? The rock as usual. Thing is, now it's my turn to be her rock. I'm not saying I'm not allowing myself to feel, but I'm just going to need to be the strong, positive, brave one for a change. Even if I'm losing it inside, God is going to have to help me appear 'all is good' on the outside. Ashley (my older sister) and I have luckily had opposite "off" days, so one is able to be the voice of reason and help the other. It's been perfect. (Aka thanks, God!!)
The biopsy is now over and Mom is home with Ash taking care of her and my nephew Brandon (aka bb) to bring her some smiles!! Now we wait. And try not to panic since they ended up calling her back in after the biopsy to do an ultrasound from under her boob near her armpit. The biopsy itself was difficult for them to do due to the hardness of the mass. They told her that wasn't good. So like I said, now we wait. And pray like never before.

-Nattie B

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