Friday, March 1, 2013
Famous in a Small Town
So remember how last week we were at my Mom & Dad's house? And remember how I went to lunch with my cousin? You know, the one I hadn't seen or hung out with in 10-15ish years?! And remember how disappointed I was that I wasn't able to go to the Memphis Bloggers dinner and hang out with friends that I haven't really seen or talked to in 10-15ish years (with the exception of a few My Space and later on Facebook posts and/or comments)? Notice a pattern here? A 'complete lack of communication with the past' pattern? Well, there's a reason for that. Notice I didn't say there was a GOOD reason for that, although it seemed like a good reason up until here recently. Back in my high school days, I struggled with many things as most high school girls do. The problem is that I didn't realize that my main issue (with the exception of needing my medications) was myself. I've thought about and started this post a few different times. It never flowed.
Unfortunately, Today it seems to be flowing and smoothly. Guess that means God is laying it on my heart to share. I had issues with people at school. Sounds normal, right? Not mine. At least I don't so. I would gladly share my personal remembrance on the subject at hand, but we all know everyone has their own perception. In a nutshell, I was unhappy and changed to a different school and then eventually did the two years in one to hurry and get to Nashville to be with Chris. I was already changing schools at the end of the fall semester when Alicia died on NYE 1998. Since I have already shared that I had such a rough time with her death, you will easily understand that I used that "break" from that part of my life as literally as possible. I eventually broke contact with all of those who were so important to me and in my life including my best friend at the time, Janessa. It was just so easy to ignore Alicia's death if I mentally told myself I was just losing contact with everyone, not just losing contact with her. While dealing with the Alicia issues, I eventually ended up in Lakeside. I. Cannot. Believe. I. Am. Posting. This. If you live in or around Memphis, you are well aware that only CRAZY people have to go to Lakeside. I was crazy. I had lost all reality, and I had to get the right medication and it in my system ASAP. The best way to monitor the medication and how it was working was to be admitted. I chose to do so in order to get better as quickly as I could, but it has always been very shaming to me (in my mind) even if I was there less than 72 hours. I saw how crazy the teens that were in there were, and I mean certifiable. It scared the crap outta me. Since I did live in a very small town and my Dad owned a business there, many people knew of me. You could say everyone in a small town is famous. Haven't you heard that Miranda Lambert song? It is one of my favorites. Therefore, when all of this happened, I felt that everyone I saw around town knew. That they knew I had been there and that they thought I was crazy. So I avoided everyone. I mean everyone. At all costs. I'm fully admitting to a possible duck in the other aisle at Naifeh's the grocery store moments. Then I left for college in Nashville, and it just became too easy to hide. Sure I missed everyone and the relationships, but too much time had passed, right? At 30, I am in a place of peace with all that happened during that time period, and I can now move forward. I feel so blessed to have reconnected through blogging with a few of those people! I am no longer going to let worrying about what did or might have happened in the past keep me from what can be now in the present. It's pretty freeing, and I have to say that I am extremely proud of myself for finally finishing this post!